Thank you for this nuanced piece on Mother's Day, Susan. I've struggled with wounds left by my mother for my whole life, and though I acknowledge and have grace for her in that I truly believe she tried her best with what she had, her continual dismissal of my pain and blatant denial of things I clearly remember her doing to me has caused, if possible, more harm than however she treated me in childhood. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I feel all the more determined to break that generational cycle. When I parent her, it feels like I'm simultaneously reparenting my younger self the way I wish my mother had parented me.
Hi Tiffany, Thanks for sharing a little about your struggles. I'm sorry you've had those tough experiences from a young age. I realize how painful it is when someone who we needed to nurture and love us instead hurts us. Denial is especially hard, and a desire for validation of realities and things people go through is so normal. I wish we had the opportunity to visit in person. I'd like to hear more of your story and some things you've written or shared made me curious about your life and background. But that's only because I genuinely care.
Good for you for seeking to break generational cycles. I didn't marry until I was 48, so I never had kids of my own. But I remember thinking how I wanted to break some of the cycles I grew up with. I was blessed in some ways, and from the outside, people didn't realize some of the things that impacted our family. But I knew I didn't want some cycles to continue either. Learning to trust others took me some years. I know that what you're doing as a parent takes some courage and tenacity. (I think one reason I ended up studying counseling is because I have always had a deep interest in the things that shape us from our childhoods, and how much I also needed to heal from some early life experiences. When I saw that God could actually offer me some deeper and more lasting healing than some of the 'tolerable recovery' that talk therapy could offer me in my early twenties, I had a hunger for learning how people could recover from wounds more fully.)
Two things came to mind as I read your response. Some of the words you chose (one word especially, denial) struck a chord with me. Having worked in China and spent a lot of time with friends of Asian background, do you think there's a fear of losing face that makes her less willing to ever acknowledge the pain she caused or contributes to her denial? Shame can paralyze people. It wouldn't excuse those things, but I remember how strongly engrained those concepts related to losing face were for people. My family isn't Asian but I saw similar things happen just the same.
I could relate to what you shared in some ways, though for very different reasons. I may include one story in my book, depending on if it serves the purpose needed in that part. But the trauma that shaped our lives so much related to my dad, not my mom so much then. When I was about three and a half In my family went through some very traumatic experiences which culminated in the police taking my dad away for awhile to the state hospital. Back then people wouldn't talk about things like this, so it wasn't until much later that I would understand our early life story. We grew up with some instability that my mom nobly tried to make up for as well as she could.
Later I encountered quite a bit of denial of reality for a number of years, and that was incredibly painful. I had some unexplained health issues as early as high school. Back in my early twenties, mobility and vision limitations led me to leave a graduate program for Physical Therapy midway through . I remember my parents telling me I had just thrown away my future and for a long time they clung to the idea that nothing was wrong with my health, they claimed it was all in my head. A lot of people with MS didn't receive an accurate diagnosis for 4-6 years back then. It took me ten years, but partly because of MRI's were less accurate back then, and I encountered a couple of terrible doctors along the way. So, I lived with the realities that health meant for my life, but my biological family often told me it was all in my head. Even after I finally had a conclusive diagnosis of MS, it took three more years for my mom to acknowledge this was true at all. When a parent isn't able to face and validate and openly acknowledge something so basic, that really hurts. I am grateful that healing took place eventually. In fact, I need to go have dinner with my mom and husband. I really value the relationship we have now.
My own story sounds a little hard to believe and the only way I could ever understand why some family members denied such basic realities in my life is that they were so wounded from their own earlier life experiences they simply couldn't face what was true. Trauma does weird things to people.
That's probably TMI!!! Sorry if I just poured our a lot more than necessary. Gotta get out the door to meet mom for dinner. Take care, Tiffany!
Thank you for your response, Susan. I'm grateful you shared some of your own life with me. It's been wonderful getting to know you more through this space. Yes, I do think saving face plays a big part for my mother not being able to confront what she's done. Part of it is also her own trauma. She has a fragile sense of self and I doubt she's able to admit her own failings because it would force her to face some of the wounds she's experienced from her own mother. It's an awful cycle to be stuck in.
I'm so sorry about what happened to family and can understand a bit of what it must have been like to grow up in a culture of shame and silence. The denial of your health is so painful to have to deal with. It can be utterly invalidating and hurtful to have your experience and pain dismissed.
Grateful you shared your experience with me. I'm hopeful there will be healing in my relationship with my parents as well, after we've had some space. I'm glad you were able to have dinner with your mom and husband!
Yes. It’s not easy. Reflecting on this today made me very grateful for the healing that has taken place. Having some close friends who loved me unconditionally and validated what I went through made such a difference. For me this is part of my past but thankfully not impacting me now. I think we learn who we really are over time and learn to see parents as people with flaws trying to find their way through life too. I remember a turning point when I realized whatever they believed didn’t create reality. God knew and I knew the truth. But close friends who really see us, pray with us, and acknowledge what’s real in our hearts and lives can be healing too. Validation may come eventually from the people we wish could acknowledge things. But not everyone has the courage. Eventually my family understood the truth and some even respected me. But I am very thankful for the compassion and empathy these experiences gave me for the struggles of others.
Thank you. I've been working with my therapist in accepting the "ceiling" of my relationship with my parents, and that it will likely never get to the level of intimacy I wish it could. It does help a lot that I have friends and a husband who love me unconditionally, and I'm so glad you had that too. There's just something about the love of a mother that leaves a wound unhealed.
Yes, the relationship with mothers is very central to us. That's a good way to look at it (a ceiling)...I like to think in terms of capacity.
Someone close to me doesn't have a large capacity to express empathy or develop intimacy in the ways that I would appreciate. However, I pray for grace to love well and accept people where they are at. It's hard not to put our hopes or expectations on others, but some things are fairly wired into people's brains, and I find myself much less frustrated when I can try to view him with compassion and acceptance, and get some of those needs met in other healthy ways. But I acknowledge what you said is so true. I know in my younger years, it was hard desiring a closer healthier relationship with family but not finding it. So it means a lot to me now to enjoy that, but it took years. And it often comes back to capacity.
That's a really good way of looking at it. Thank you. I personally put a lot of myself into my close relationships, so I feel let down when they don't give the same back, and that leads to disappointment. But I think I do need to accept when others don't have the same capacity as I do, and like you just said, to meet them where they're at.
I appreciate reading this compassionate and nuranced article about Mother's Day. I can relate to many of the sentiments you described. You have sensitively acknowledged the pain and discomfort that some of us feel toward our relationship with our mothers, and also the fluidity and possibility of growth through the years. I've had a fraught relationship with my mom throughout my adult life, and only started to rebuild it in the past few years. It's been a very painful journey but now we finally can enjoy the time we spend with each other.
Thank you for your comments, Louisa. I understand those challenges. We just came back from dinner with my mom at her retirement community. We bought a house five minutes from her place last year so that it would be easier to help her, and she's a blessing. We had some challenging years when I was younger, but we both needed to experience some healing. I enjoy her a lot now. But I am glad you are able to enjoy time together now even though it's been a painful journey. I think our mother daughter relationships are very impactful.
I'm very glad to hear about your living arranagements and that your mother is a blessing to you at this point in both of your lives. I think a difficult journey makes time together even more precious when the relationship finally arrives at a more mature and healed space. I totally agree that mother-daughter relationships are very impactful, probably the most impactful of all relationships.
Thank you for this heartfelt article. You cover some incredibly important and messy things that can happen. Susan Heavenly father knows all about what your greatest hopes and desires are for your finished life on earth. You know how the Lord will always give you His peace. He knows what is best for you. I am praying for you and believe the Lord for that touch upon your body. God be with you and over your body giving you deep healing, His purest love, Presence & blessings by His spirit always.
Such a sweet comment Hephzibah. Thank you. I just wanted to acknowledge the hard things people sometimes face. I can't thank you enough for your encouragement and prayers. You really minister to me. Thank you dear sister. May the Lord pour out His grace and peace upon you as well. You are a gift from Him.
Thank you for this nuanced piece on Mother's Day, Susan. I've struggled with wounds left by my mother for my whole life, and though I acknowledge and have grace for her in that I truly believe she tried her best with what she had, her continual dismissal of my pain and blatant denial of things I clearly remember her doing to me has caused, if possible, more harm than however she treated me in childhood. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I feel all the more determined to break that generational cycle. When I parent her, it feels like I'm simultaneously reparenting my younger self the way I wish my mother had parented me.
Hi Tiffany, Thanks for sharing a little about your struggles. I'm sorry you've had those tough experiences from a young age. I realize how painful it is when someone who we needed to nurture and love us instead hurts us. Denial is especially hard, and a desire for validation of realities and things people go through is so normal. I wish we had the opportunity to visit in person. I'd like to hear more of your story and some things you've written or shared made me curious about your life and background. But that's only because I genuinely care.
Good for you for seeking to break generational cycles. I didn't marry until I was 48, so I never had kids of my own. But I remember thinking how I wanted to break some of the cycles I grew up with. I was blessed in some ways, and from the outside, people didn't realize some of the things that impacted our family. But I knew I didn't want some cycles to continue either. Learning to trust others took me some years. I know that what you're doing as a parent takes some courage and tenacity. (I think one reason I ended up studying counseling is because I have always had a deep interest in the things that shape us from our childhoods, and how much I also needed to heal from some early life experiences. When I saw that God could actually offer me some deeper and more lasting healing than some of the 'tolerable recovery' that talk therapy could offer me in my early twenties, I had a hunger for learning how people could recover from wounds more fully.)
Two things came to mind as I read your response. Some of the words you chose (one word especially, denial) struck a chord with me. Having worked in China and spent a lot of time with friends of Asian background, do you think there's a fear of losing face that makes her less willing to ever acknowledge the pain she caused or contributes to her denial? Shame can paralyze people. It wouldn't excuse those things, but I remember how strongly engrained those concepts related to losing face were for people. My family isn't Asian but I saw similar things happen just the same.
I could relate to what you shared in some ways, though for very different reasons. I may include one story in my book, depending on if it serves the purpose needed in that part. But the trauma that shaped our lives so much related to my dad, not my mom so much then. When I was about three and a half In my family went through some very traumatic experiences which culminated in the police taking my dad away for awhile to the state hospital. Back then people wouldn't talk about things like this, so it wasn't until much later that I would understand our early life story. We grew up with some instability that my mom nobly tried to make up for as well as she could.
Later I encountered quite a bit of denial of reality for a number of years, and that was incredibly painful. I had some unexplained health issues as early as high school. Back in my early twenties, mobility and vision limitations led me to leave a graduate program for Physical Therapy midway through . I remember my parents telling me I had just thrown away my future and for a long time they clung to the idea that nothing was wrong with my health, they claimed it was all in my head. A lot of people with MS didn't receive an accurate diagnosis for 4-6 years back then. It took me ten years, but partly because of MRI's were less accurate back then, and I encountered a couple of terrible doctors along the way. So, I lived with the realities that health meant for my life, but my biological family often told me it was all in my head. Even after I finally had a conclusive diagnosis of MS, it took three more years for my mom to acknowledge this was true at all. When a parent isn't able to face and validate and openly acknowledge something so basic, that really hurts. I am grateful that healing took place eventually. In fact, I need to go have dinner with my mom and husband. I really value the relationship we have now.
My own story sounds a little hard to believe and the only way I could ever understand why some family members denied such basic realities in my life is that they were so wounded from their own earlier life experiences they simply couldn't face what was true. Trauma does weird things to people.
That's probably TMI!!! Sorry if I just poured our a lot more than necessary. Gotta get out the door to meet mom for dinner. Take care, Tiffany!
Thank you for your response, Susan. I'm grateful you shared some of your own life with me. It's been wonderful getting to know you more through this space. Yes, I do think saving face plays a big part for my mother not being able to confront what she's done. Part of it is also her own trauma. She has a fragile sense of self and I doubt she's able to admit her own failings because it would force her to face some of the wounds she's experienced from her own mother. It's an awful cycle to be stuck in.
I'm so sorry about what happened to family and can understand a bit of what it must have been like to grow up in a culture of shame and silence. The denial of your health is so painful to have to deal with. It can be utterly invalidating and hurtful to have your experience and pain dismissed.
Grateful you shared your experience with me. I'm hopeful there will be healing in my relationship with my parents as well, after we've had some space. I'm glad you were able to have dinner with your mom and husband!
Wishing you healing and peace over time as well. Looking forward to knowing more of your story in the future. Blessings and hugs from Oregon, Tiffany.
Yes. It’s not easy. Reflecting on this today made me very grateful for the healing that has taken place. Having some close friends who loved me unconditionally and validated what I went through made such a difference. For me this is part of my past but thankfully not impacting me now. I think we learn who we really are over time and learn to see parents as people with flaws trying to find their way through life too. I remember a turning point when I realized whatever they believed didn’t create reality. God knew and I knew the truth. But close friends who really see us, pray with us, and acknowledge what’s real in our hearts and lives can be healing too. Validation may come eventually from the people we wish could acknowledge things. But not everyone has the courage. Eventually my family understood the truth and some even respected me. But I am very thankful for the compassion and empathy these experiences gave me for the struggles of others.
Thank you. I've been working with my therapist in accepting the "ceiling" of my relationship with my parents, and that it will likely never get to the level of intimacy I wish it could. It does help a lot that I have friends and a husband who love me unconditionally, and I'm so glad you had that too. There's just something about the love of a mother that leaves a wound unhealed.
Sending you lots of love, Susan.
Yes, the relationship with mothers is very central to us. That's a good way to look at it (a ceiling)...I like to think in terms of capacity.
Someone close to me doesn't have a large capacity to express empathy or develop intimacy in the ways that I would appreciate. However, I pray for grace to love well and accept people where they are at. It's hard not to put our hopes or expectations on others, but some things are fairly wired into people's brains, and I find myself much less frustrated when I can try to view him with compassion and acceptance, and get some of those needs met in other healthy ways. But I acknowledge what you said is so true. I know in my younger years, it was hard desiring a closer healthier relationship with family but not finding it. So it means a lot to me now to enjoy that, but it took years. And it often comes back to capacity.
With love and validation, Sue
That's a really good way of looking at it. Thank you. I personally put a lot of myself into my close relationships, so I feel let down when they don't give the same back, and that leads to disappointment. But I think I do need to accept when others don't have the same capacity as I do, and like you just said, to meet them where they're at.
This is a much needed piece!
Thanks for reading!
It was my pleasure. You're welcome.
I appreciate reading this compassionate and nuranced article about Mother's Day. I can relate to many of the sentiments you described. You have sensitively acknowledged the pain and discomfort that some of us feel toward our relationship with our mothers, and also the fluidity and possibility of growth through the years. I've had a fraught relationship with my mom throughout my adult life, and only started to rebuild it in the past few years. It's been a very painful journey but now we finally can enjoy the time we spend with each other.
Thank you for your comments, Louisa. I understand those challenges. We just came back from dinner with my mom at her retirement community. We bought a house five minutes from her place last year so that it would be easier to help her, and she's a blessing. We had some challenging years when I was younger, but we both needed to experience some healing. I enjoy her a lot now. But I am glad you are able to enjoy time together now even though it's been a painful journey. I think our mother daughter relationships are very impactful.
I'm very glad to hear about your living arranagements and that your mother is a blessing to you at this point in both of your lives. I think a difficult journey makes time together even more precious when the relationship finally arrives at a more mature and healed space. I totally agree that mother-daughter relationships are very impactful, probably the most impactful of all relationships.
Thank you. So true. I think I treasure what we share now because of the journey involved.
Wow, I do believe we're kindred spirits, Susan. A true joy to meet with you this afternoon ...
I believe we are indeed! Hope to connect with you more. Thank you!!
Thank you for this heartfelt article. You cover some incredibly important and messy things that can happen. Susan Heavenly father knows all about what your greatest hopes and desires are for your finished life on earth. You know how the Lord will always give you His peace. He knows what is best for you. I am praying for you and believe the Lord for that touch upon your body. God be with you and over your body giving you deep healing, His purest love, Presence & blessings by His spirit always.
Such a sweet comment Hephzibah. Thank you. I just wanted to acknowledge the hard things people sometimes face. I can't thank you enough for your encouragement and prayers. You really minister to me. Thank you dear sister. May the Lord pour out His grace and peace upon you as well. You are a gift from Him.