Is Mother's Day a tender time for you?

a few thoughts on Mother/Daughter relationships, loss, change, mixed with some complexities, with a sprinkle of hope

If you’re celebrating Mother’s Day this weekend in the US, I hope you enjoy the time together. I am grateful to live closer to family these days, and we’ll be able to have dinner with my mom. I don’t take this gift for granted.

I just want to acknowledge that not everyone looks forward to Mother’s Day. I’ve known of people who find this holiday painful. Let’s look at a few of the potential reasons. I remember hearing a friend describe her tears as she looked for a card to send despite their broken relationship. Sometimes church services that honor mother’s end up being painful as the cultural expectations don’t always match up to the realities or hurts people are experiencing.

For one, not every woman has the opportunity or even the ability to become a biological mother. Whether you’ve struggled with fertility, perhaps married too late in life to have kids, or you’ve simply never held your baby in your arms, you’re not alone. Many women, myself included, haven’t had the blessing (and responsibility) of raising their own children.

For those who were adopted, you may have experienced some challenges with attachment or experienced the “primal wound” described in a book by that title. Or if you gave your baby up for adoption, or have other hard emotions associated with this day, you are not alone either.

The relationship between a mother and her daughters can be a complex one, especially in the young adult years when young women are trying to find their way as individuals, as “their own person.” When I worked in counseling, I often met with young women or alternatively, mothers, who were puzzled, hurt and perhaps grieving or distressed by the painful relationship they were experiencing with each other.

One of the developmental tasks of young adults is called “individuation”. It’s a normal process which sometimes involves pain for all involved. A time of cutting the apron strings perhaps. As roles and needs change, stress and tensions can result. (One book that has some helpful ideas is called The Mom Factor by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.)

One of the wisest words I’ve heard for these mothers in this season of life is to learn to accept the discomfort of this process.

Embrace discomfort. Keep lines of communication gently open, and don’t try to force anything. Pray for grace to love and accept each other unconditionally.

Some years later, I often see these same mothers and daughters developing close, loving bonds again, and sharing the milestones and joys of life with one another.

Another good book is called It's Momplicated: Hope and Healing for Imperfect Daughters of Imperfect Mothers by Debbie Alsdorf, and Joan Edwards Kay

Sometimes getting some perspective helps. I also think that sometimes people need time and space to do the inner work surrounding some of their childhood wounds or trauma. I think that having women in your life who love you unconditionally and can offer love and support during the time that you are working through these things can make a difference. As we get older, and as women experience raising kids, they often recognize that their parents did the best they knew how to do with the tools they had. Grace is extended more readily. There is no perfect parent. The thing I feel so thankful about is that God is able to heal the places that need healing in our hearts. Sometimes human weaknesses point us to God’s unfailing, tender love for us.

But if you’ve struggled with your relationship with your mom, or she’s no longer living, or you’ve experienced other related hurts, know that you are not alone. God sees you. He understands how big this is for you. His grace and tenderness can help you heal where needed.

I think of parents whose kids have cut off contact, even though they have searched their hearts and really don’t understand what happened.

We live in an era where people are encouraged to go “No Contact.” While I realize there may be a few truly unhealthy situations, leaving some lines of communication open to allow for future reconciliation is sure preferable when possible. Otherwise, this can represent an aching, major loss for everyone concerned. God is able to bring healing and even transform people and relationships when we look to Him to do so. Of course, we can never control another person’s choices, but there’s a verse that says as much as it depends on you, be at peace with others. Sometimes boundaries and a time out can help people move towards a healthier relationship, too. If you’re going through a difficult time of not seeing your parent or child, I’m sorry. I have seen how painful this is for some.

I am thankful that God enabled me to persevere as a young woman who struggled to establish my own individual life and identity for a few hard years. Sometimes it takes courage to set healthy boundaries and to contend for a healthier relationship with loved ones. I am so thankful that God has brought healing and genuine love and closeness to relationships that represented a struggle for a season in life.

Last year we moved closer in order to be able to assist my mom more easily after she moved to a retirement community. I absolutely treasure the times we share now, and feel so blessed that we still have my mom, my husband’s mother, and my Dad’s wife still living. We love these women and miss our dads who are no longer living.

This morning I called Helen (my dad’s wife) and she said she is praying about “full surrender.” I loved this reminder from a godly women who is nearing 91 years of age, who is still growing in her walk with Jesus. Her faithfulness to pray for us is something I treasure. Her relationship with the Lord remains vital.

That’s the key in life, isn’t it? Fully surrendering to a loving God, the One who can sustain us through the challenges and losses of life, and enable us to more fully experience the joys of healed relationships.

I am so thankful for the role of mothers, and also for the spiritual adoption that has allowed me to pour into the lives of some young people who became family to me over the years. But if you’re among those living with hurt related to this holiday, feel free to reach out. I’d be glad to pray for you.