Here's the title to another book that addresses some of these challenges: Asperger Marriage and Relationships: Insights from the Front Line
by Karen Rowlands (Author) --The book cover says Karen Slee, so though Amazon lists the name Karen Rowlands in the description, perhaps this is her name now.
Until now, I had never considered that neurodivergence may help explain the differences in my relationship.
I relate to the women in your article. The challenges they face are the ones I’ve been hearing about my whole life. Now I find myself in a similar situation wanting to connect with my partner in the same way that I connect with male and female friends but am unable to.
Thanks for bringing this to my awareness. I feel more relaxed already.
I am thankful if this helped you to gain some understanding or insight into your own relationship. I didn't mention it in the article but I'm sure my husband is on the spectrum. He's never been diagnosed. But in my mind there's no doubt. The day he put a towel over my head was proof enough :) It's hard navigating neurodiverse relationships. But if we can recognize the traits and find ways to work with the unique wiring of others in our lives, this can make a big difference. Sometimes, awareness is half the battle, as you indicated.
Something I've learned to accept is that the way in which some people connect will look and feel very different than what we may be longing for or expecting. But that doesn't mean they don't desire closer relationships. Finding ways to bring out the best in each other is my current hobby and endeavor. It's been a long journey for us...but today he cooked some really wonderful meals for us, and I try to remember the gifts he brings to our relationship. He's a loyal, hard working man. I have met with many couples over the years who had some sort of neurodiversity. I think having multiple sclerosis probably qualifies as neurodiverse as well. I have lesions in my brain and spinal cord that affect a lot. I pray that you'll continue to relax and maybe find creative ways to enjoy your relationship in ways that work for you both.
I appreciate you sharing the additional detail about your husband, Susan. I feel more connected and less alone.
It’s amazing, but I feel 80% more at ease after reading your essay and also from a prior difficult but vital conversation. That said, we have much to learn so that we both feel understood.
As you mentioned, getting our unmet needs met outside the relationship is essential.
Thank you for the additional resource - added to my cart. :)
I’m very thankful for you, Ryan. I believe if we met in person, we’d be good friends. I respect you. So glad you feel less alone. That’s crucial to me as well. I’m part of a couple of groups for people in neurodiverse relationships, and it’s helped a lot. We empathize and offer validation, which helps. There’s a bond and we pray for each other. But just knowing we aren’t alone helps. When I feel like I am becoming frustrated with some of his responses to life, I often try to put myself in his shoes temporarily. I tell him, “Being you would be hard.” That helps him feel less alone, too.
Since our first interaction here, Susan, I feel like we'd be friends, too. My partner also suggested a support group. Putting myself in other's shoes always helps the situation.
I just happened to run across this article. Very, very helpful for me. I’ve known most of my marriage (31 years) that my husband is on the spectrum (although he adamantly denies it). He actually hasn’t been diagnosed, but has been diagnosed with ADHD and refused the meds suggested. It’s been a very lonely and frustrating experience. He has stage four cancer now, which he is basically also in denial of, and I’m trying my best to be compassionate at the end of this journey.
You are so thoughtful to answer me!! And right in the middle of your trip!!!! Looks like a fabulous time!
From reading several of the comments sent to you and your responses, I am wondering if your husband tends to be controlling? Mine is and I often feel very powerless.
It can be very hard to live with someone who is controlling. My husband had a tendency to be more controlling during stressful times. But I set firm boundaries and followed through. He’s improved over time. But I do empathize with you.
Even not being married, I love this post. It is so necessary to discuss what is understood, and what is not, about Autism.
I was first professionally diagnosed with autism at the age of 55, well over eight years ago. I’ve learned a lot about Autism and even more about myself. But I feel like I’m only just scratching the surface.
If it is tough for someone living on the inside, I have no doubt it is extraordinarily difficult to obtain any level of understanding by someone who is not experiencing it.
But it should also be noted that, those like me who have autism, don’t always come to the understanding that they even have it at all. It involved an extraordinary set of circumstances for me to get to the point where it was both acceptable to me, and practical, to get diagnosed. However, I will admit that this is not nearly as much of a problem for those who are younger, and are more likely to have been diagnosed as a child.
I would say that for most people with autism, life is all about survival while carrying a crushing burden. It seems that for the Autist who has sufficient energy and intelligence to navigate their way through life, any significant time spent on analyzing their potentially debilitating disorders, may be seen as just another weight heaped upon an already unbearable load.
But more importantly, in this moment, I want to get to the primary reason for responding to this post.
I would like to suggest to the married couples who are open to it, to experiment with having the person with autism go to a place of solitude, comfort, and quiet, to have a conversation by text, with their spouse.
I understand how problematic texting can be for communication. But for me, it removes a large percentage of the obstacles to effective communication.
Bob, I am so thankful you were willing to comment on this article and that you loved it. I can’t tell you how valuable your description of what your experience feels like to you and I think your suggestion is excellent. Many older men I know are quite resistant to accepting a diagnosis. Your words help me understand why this may be. I tend to just refer to their unique wiring and then seek to understand what works well and what doesn’t. I often think in terms of capacity. I try to let go of some idea of “normal” and recognize the gifts they have. Playing to individual strengths and accommodating unique differences helps. But your words gave me valuable insights. Thank you so much, Bob.
A great piece Susan. I have been married for 30 years to a man with late diagnosis (and severely under managed) ADHD, so I relate to lots of these stories. I am grateful for the diagnosis, though. I think without it we would no longer be married. That, and the grace of God.
Oh, I have worked with people with ADHD and empathize. Here's to diagnoses that end up being helpful and God's grace! I'd be sunk without His grace for sure.
Very interesting as I am trying to learn more about neurodivergence for an application I am writing. I wonder what if you are a neurodivergent woman? What resources would you recommend?
There are some very good podcasts and groups for men or women who are on the spectrum or have other neurodiverse situations. So, while I think maybe more women have written about men with ADS, the principles often apply to either. How about Temple Grandin? Have you read any of her books or listened to her videos? She’s a wonderful example of a woman with autism.
Here's the title to another book that addresses some of these challenges: Asperger Marriage and Relationships: Insights from the Front Line
by Karen Rowlands (Author) --The book cover says Karen Slee, so though Amazon lists the name Karen Rowlands in the description, perhaps this is her name now.
Until now, I had never considered that neurodivergence may help explain the differences in my relationship.
I relate to the women in your article. The challenges they face are the ones I’ve been hearing about my whole life. Now I find myself in a similar situation wanting to connect with my partner in the same way that I connect with male and female friends but am unable to.
Thanks for bringing this to my awareness. I feel more relaxed already.
@Ryan Delaney,
I am thankful if this helped you to gain some understanding or insight into your own relationship. I didn't mention it in the article but I'm sure my husband is on the spectrum. He's never been diagnosed. But in my mind there's no doubt. The day he put a towel over my head was proof enough :) It's hard navigating neurodiverse relationships. But if we can recognize the traits and find ways to work with the unique wiring of others in our lives, this can make a big difference. Sometimes, awareness is half the battle, as you indicated.
Something I've learned to accept is that the way in which some people connect will look and feel very different than what we may be longing for or expecting. But that doesn't mean they don't desire closer relationships. Finding ways to bring out the best in each other is my current hobby and endeavor. It's been a long journey for us...but today he cooked some really wonderful meals for us, and I try to remember the gifts he brings to our relationship. He's a loyal, hard working man. I have met with many couples over the years who had some sort of neurodiversity. I think having multiple sclerosis probably qualifies as neurodiverse as well. I have lesions in my brain and spinal cord that affect a lot. I pray that you'll continue to relax and maybe find creative ways to enjoy your relationship in ways that work for you both.
I appreciate you sharing the additional detail about your husband, Susan. I feel more connected and less alone.
It’s amazing, but I feel 80% more at ease after reading your essay and also from a prior difficult but vital conversation. That said, we have much to learn so that we both feel understood.
As you mentioned, getting our unmet needs met outside the relationship is essential.
Thank you for the additional resource - added to my cart. :)
I’m very thankful for you, Ryan. I believe if we met in person, we’d be good friends. I respect you. So glad you feel less alone. That’s crucial to me as well. I’m part of a couple of groups for people in neurodiverse relationships, and it’s helped a lot. We empathize and offer validation, which helps. There’s a bond and we pray for each other. But just knowing we aren’t alone helps. When I feel like I am becoming frustrated with some of his responses to life, I often try to put myself in his shoes temporarily. I tell him, “Being you would be hard.” That helps him feel less alone, too.
Since our first interaction here, Susan, I feel like we'd be friends, too. My partner also suggested a support group. Putting myself in other's shoes always helps the situation.
There are some helpful support groups. One that I appreciate is based as a FB private group. It’s been a big help to me.
I just happened to run across this article. Very, very helpful for me. I’ve known most of my marriage (31 years) that my husband is on the spectrum (although he adamantly denies it). He actually hasn’t been diagnosed, but has been diagnosed with ADHD and refused the meds suggested. It’s been a very lonely and frustrating experience. He has stage four cancer now, which he is basically also in denial of, and I’m trying my best to be compassionate at the end of this journey.
Oh Aletha, I certainly empathize with you. So difficult. I am thankful if this helped you. I will pray for you. Reach out if I can be if assistance.
You are so thoughtful to answer me!! And right in the middle of your trip!!!! Looks like a fabulous time!
From reading several of the comments sent to you and your responses, I am wondering if your husband tends to be controlling? Mine is and I often feel very powerless.
It can be very hard to live with someone who is controlling. My husband had a tendency to be more controlling during stressful times. But I set firm boundaries and followed through. He’s improved over time. But I do empathize with you.
Even not being married, I love this post. It is so necessary to discuss what is understood, and what is not, about Autism.
I was first professionally diagnosed with autism at the age of 55, well over eight years ago. I’ve learned a lot about Autism and even more about myself. But I feel like I’m only just scratching the surface.
If it is tough for someone living on the inside, I have no doubt it is extraordinarily difficult to obtain any level of understanding by someone who is not experiencing it.
But it should also be noted that, those like me who have autism, don’t always come to the understanding that they even have it at all. It involved an extraordinary set of circumstances for me to get to the point where it was both acceptable to me, and practical, to get diagnosed. However, I will admit that this is not nearly as much of a problem for those who are younger, and are more likely to have been diagnosed as a child.
I would say that for most people with autism, life is all about survival while carrying a crushing burden. It seems that for the Autist who has sufficient energy and intelligence to navigate their way through life, any significant time spent on analyzing their potentially debilitating disorders, may be seen as just another weight heaped upon an already unbearable load.
But more importantly, in this moment, I want to get to the primary reason for responding to this post.
I would like to suggest to the married couples who are open to it, to experiment with having the person with autism go to a place of solitude, comfort, and quiet, to have a conversation by text, with their spouse.
I understand how problematic texting can be for communication. But for me, it removes a large percentage of the obstacles to effective communication.
So, I’m just saying, give it a try.
Bob, I am so thankful you were willing to comment on this article and that you loved it. I can’t tell you how valuable your description of what your experience feels like to you and I think your suggestion is excellent. Many older men I know are quite resistant to accepting a diagnosis. Your words help me understand why this may be. I tend to just refer to their unique wiring and then seek to understand what works well and what doesn’t. I often think in terms of capacity. I try to let go of some idea of “normal” and recognize the gifts they have. Playing to individual strengths and accommodating unique differences helps. But your words gave me valuable insights. Thank you so much, Bob.
A great piece Susan. I have been married for 30 years to a man with late diagnosis (and severely under managed) ADHD, so I relate to lots of these stories. I am grateful for the diagnosis, though. I think without it we would no longer be married. That, and the grace of God.
Oh, I have worked with people with ADHD and empathize. Here's to diagnoses that end up being helpful and God's grace! I'd be sunk without His grace for sure.
Fascinating. This answered so many questions I’ve had the last 15 plus years. Thank you.
You’re very welcome. Let me know if I can be of help in some way. Half the battle is understanding and validation.
Very interesting as I am trying to learn more about neurodivergence for an application I am writing. I wonder what if you are a neurodivergent woman? What resources would you recommend?
There are some very good podcasts and groups for men or women who are on the spectrum or have other neurodiverse situations. So, while I think maybe more women have written about men with ADS, the principles often apply to either. How about Temple Grandin? Have you read any of her books or listened to her videos? She’s a wonderful example of a woman with autism.
Thank you so much Susan! I appreciate it
My pleasure