A Little Survival Guide for Women in Neurodiverse Marriages

Resources that may help to strengthen couples when one or both partners are on the spectrum

“Why are we struggling to connect on an emotional level? Why does my husband shut down (and withdraw) when he gets overwhelmed, and why does he say things that invalidate my emotions so often? Does he even care about me?” These and other questions arise in conversations with women that I have worked with, and I want to encourage them that they are not alone.

Many couples I met with for counseling earlier in my career shared stories with similar themes. I remember the weary faces of the women who were longing for the kind of marriage they had envisioned, while their husbands sat beside them looking hesitant to open up about their own experiences. Both of them looked defeated when they sat down to tell me about their dynamics.

Sometimes an honest conversation between a neurodiverse couple might go something like this:

“Did you think marriage would be this difficult?” she asks timidly.

“No,” he responds, adding, “It sure hasn’t been much fun. I thought you’d make my life easier and do what I wanted you to do. This has been harder than I expected. I thought that you’d arrange our lives so that I could just focus on my hobbies every weekend. You mean you expect me to mow the yard?”

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“I love you.” she said, trying to make eye contact with this man she married. “Everybody does,” he responds with a silly laugh, averting his gaze. She winces and gathers the courage to ask him, “Do you even love me at all?”

His answer leaves her feeling even more disconnected and even invalidated.

“I love you on Thursdays,” he responds with a serious expression on his face.

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“Are you feeling fulfilled and happy in our life together?” she asks him years into the marriage, hoping to spark a meaningful conversation. He looks a bit pained. “Sometimes. Well, only when we spend time together doing my hobbies.”

“Okay, can I watch the news now?” he asks. “I don’t really like talking so much.”

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Quite often, I meet with women who tell me about patterns in their marriages that have felt frustrating and even discouraging to them.

Sometimes these women have been married for decades, and other times, they are newly married. They express confusion about why their communication and emotional intimacy are so confusing or hurtful at times. Some of them tell me how deeply lonely they feel, despite living with their husband and being together quite a lot. “It’s like we’re together but still very much alone,” she confides.

When I ask if there’s any chance their husband might be on the spectrum, oftentimes, \women say they have wondered about this. These women often describe certain traits or things that they’ve noticed about their husbands. Some of these men tend to withdraw and need a lot of time to recharge alone when theres’s too much stimulus. Perhaps they have some special interests they love to talk about or hobbies they spend a lot of time pursuing. Maybe they are easily overwhelmed with sensory overload in a noisy setting. Possibly they don’t like to make eye contact when they talk with their wives. They may struggle with emotional regulation, or even have “meltdowns” and retreat to their rooms alone. Sometimes, they have a hard time showing empathy or understanding the social cues of others.

However, quite often these men are very bright. They may or may not have ever been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. They may not even be familiar with the term Asperger’s. Many of the high functioning men on the spectrum become engineers or work with computers. Some of them are doctors…certainly many of them are really talented people with a lot to offer. Some of them are highly trained military leaders or linguists. Others have a harder time finding the right fit vocationally, and depending on the degree to which autism impacts them, they might find most interpersonal demands frustrating.

Some of them marry and have families. Some of them adapt to family life and raise kids, and with an understanding wife, they can eventually develop strong marriages. However, some of these neurodiverse marriages don’t survive. The point is, many amazing people are on the spectrum, and many people don’t realize that why their marriages present certain ongoing challenges. Often when one of the kids is diagnosed with autism, couples begin to wonder if maybe one of the parents has the same thing going on.

I grew up in an era where few people were ever assessed for autism, so many were never diagnosed. Nowadays, many kids do go through assessment when teachers or parents notice some developmental, sensory or social challenges. Maybe a child isn’t making eye contact much, or they have meltdowns when overstimulated. Whatever the reason, once diagnosed, the kids can often receive some additional services or early intervention.

As a Rehabilitation Counselor, I sometimes served youth who had varying degrees of autism. I enjoyed working with these young people and their families, and I became very familiar with the challenges that sometimes come along with these conditions.

I remember in graduate school hearing the phrase “islands of competence.” I think my professor said that while some people on the spectrum have certain strengths and may even be quite outstanding in those areas, in other areas, they may be really weak. For instance, a really gifted musician who has a keen mind for foreign languages might have an exceptionally high score in some areas assessed, while having poor social skills and being very weak in expressing empathy or having insight into the emotions of others.

Here’s a link to a Web MD article that explains some of the common traits or issues for kids or adults: www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome

A book that I have read and that I’ve often recommended to others is Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work by Katrin Bentley. This very practical book does a great job of helping people understand some of the ways Asperger’s impacts communication while creating a variety of challenges in relationships. She employs humor and lots of real life examples that help the reader glean ideas or ways to accommodate both partners and build a healthier marriage. For instance, she shares about how they had to find people to socialize with who were understanding and able to offer support. This book is encouraging and gives the reader a sense of hope.

I’ve met with couples who have had to work pretty hard at it, but they’ve developed a lifestyle that works well for them. There are support groups, YouTube channels, and coaches and therapists who specialize in neurodiverse marriages. Nowadays there are many books out there as well. If a couple goes to a counselor who isn’t skilled in this area or aware of the unique challenges, sometimes this is actually counterproductive. It’s worth finding help from a provider who really gets the unique way these individuals are wired. Phrases like “Theory of Mind” and “Mind blindness” or “Lack of empathy” are commonly discussed in support groups for people trying to navigate these marriages. But I’d like to offer a few scenarios to consider:

Imagine you broke your leg, and someone wanted to dance with you, but you simply couldn’t dance with that cast on your leg. You would be awkward and it just wouldn’t work. Now imagine that the person who wanted to dance starts getting angry and agitated. They really wanted to dance with you and they feel disappointed. This disappointment leads to frustration and even bitterness. In truth, both people probably feel misunderstood and unhappy with this situation.

Now imagine that instead of a broken leg, one of you is wired really differently. This person is often pretty blunt and sometimes people find their sincere remarks off-putting. This person doesn’t know why people don’t always respond well to their humor or comments. Instead of wanting their partner to dance, this person’s wife wants them to connect on a deeper level emotionally. (What does that even mean, he wonders?) His wife wants him to look into her eyes and empathize when she shares from her heart. But he doesn’t even like to make eye contact any more than necessary. Hearing about lots of emotions that he can’t relate to doesn’t interest him. If she’s a verbal processor, his eyes glaze over and he shuts down or retreats to his room to play video games. She wants him to express his love to her. He says she already knows I love her—why should I tell her again? The way this guy is wired makes communication tricky. He tells her things honestly and considers himself a masterful husband who tells it like it is. “Why does she get so hurt and cry? And what do I do when she cries?” he wonders.

Is it reasonable to say that getting angry with a person (who has a broken leg) for declining an invitation to dance would be unfair? If so, what about asking someone who just isn’t wired like others to do things that just don’t come naturally to him at all (things that may stress him out and leave him feeling anxious or flustered)? Is it fair to get angry or resent this person for disappointing their partner? Does he have the ability to learn to do the dance moves his partner is longing for in terms of emotional intimacy or effective communication? Will he even be willing to join her on the dance floor at all?

You see, it’s about capacity. Some people have a natural capacity to form meaningful relationships and to communicate easily with others, while having empathy and insight into the way this communication is received or how their words or even body language impacts the recipient. But some people simply don’t have as much capacity for emotional connections.

For some people on the spectrum, communication becomes more of a minefield than a joy. They might feel anxious and discouraged when things seldom go smoothly in this area. The tone of voice and the words they choose might come across as mean or even abusive. Many women, married to men on the spectrum, feel hurt and lonely. There’s even a term for women who become emotionally depleted because of their neurodiverse marriage. The term is Cassandra Syndrome.

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Here’s a link to a valuable article explaining what Cassandra Sydrome entails: https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/cassandra-syndrome-causes-anger-frustration-in-autism-relationships/

Here’s a brief excerpt from the article I just cited:

RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA

Cassandra syndrome is a type of relationship trauma that some experts place in the category of complex PTSD. The symptoms of anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, and dissociation aren’t the result of a singular traumatic event. Rather, they stem from an ongoing lack of intimacy and social connection, emotional deprivation, and a profoundly disharmonious relationship.

“By the time you get to the therapist, they’re so distraught, and they’re so stoic,” said Margot Alexis, founder of the membership support group, Healing Cassandra. 

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I’ve met women in neurodiverse marriages who struggle because their hopes for a healthy relationship just don’t seem to materialize. These women grow increasingly depleted over time as many of their emotional needs often go unmet. It’s not that the men necessarily try to hurt their wives, but at times the way they relate can be really painful for the women.

It’s hard to deepen intimacy of any kind with a person who seems disconnected and unaware of your needs. So the neurodiverse couple may have frequent misunderstandings. Remember, autism is a communication disorder. Quite often the partner on the spectrum tries to talk about something, and while they mean well, their words end up wounding the other person deeply. Remember the earlier scenario where the wife asks her husband if he even loves her at all? He responds, “I love you on Thursdays,” and this leaves her puzzled and hurt. To him, his words makes perfect sense.

The thing is, a healthy marriage requires mutuality and understanding, and lots of good communication. Learning to work through conflict matters, and so does healthy, respectful communication. But sometimes the efforts of both people in a neurodiverse marriage go unrewarded. The hopes and dreams of the neurotypical partner go unrealized, and they begin to resent the other person, or they develop Cassandra Syndrome over time, and wind up feeling depressed or hopeless. Some of these women even struggle with suicidal thoughts. They feel very stuck and even desperate. Life together looks far different than they envisioned. However, unless people really understand what this all feels like to the wife, they may not offer much support. Others may minimize things, saying, “Marriage is hard. Everyone struggles. Just deal with it.” One woman told a younger woman (who said she was really hurting because of the emotional distance and abuse in her marriage) something that only added to her anguish. “If he isn’t beating you, then you have nothing to complain about. Cook him good meals and buck up. Be a better wife! You’re just self-centered. You need to submit and try harder.”

Some women I have met said they just couldn’t stay in this marriage where they felt invalidated and taken for granted. The emotional abuse took too great a toll. The situation became unhealthy and perhaps even unsafe. Whether or not the husband intended to hurt his wife, the net effect remained. Raising kids together becomes painful when the emotional needs of the kids get overlooked or the neurodiverse partner has meltdowns and gets angry, leaving the kids confused and hurt. Sometimes men are emotionally distant, making the kids feel insecure or unloved. Conflict between the parents can be difficult to work through, too, and this makes for a rocky home life.

The emotional demands of marriage and family life might become really hard for some people on the spectrum to navigate successfully. And yet, I can think of several couples who have raised emotionally healthy kids while cultivating a satisfying and “happy” marriage at the same time. Many men on the spectrum are very loyal and in the right career they can do very well. Some neurotypical spouses have the ability to adapt to the quirky situations that arise, and if both partners feel loved and accepted for who they are, I’ve observed some truly happy families. It’s really helpful when the couple have supportive people around them, and the emotional needs of the wife can be met by some other close friends. Perhaps she finds purpose and meaning in her work or volunteer activities. A common faith and a community of believers around a couple can also offer support and encouragement. Especially if those around the couple have some insight into neurodiverse relationships and they don’t minimize the difficulties, but instead pray for them and help in practical ways. It’s vital that the women and children don’t feel isolated from the support of family and friends even if the husband would rather be less social. Besides men need to see healthy examples of solid relationships, and have accountability from other men.

Men can really benefit from healthy modeling and mentoring. They might need to learn ways to treat their wives that will engender love and joy (rather than pain and disillusionment). Many men on the spectrum learn to mask or play a role in their working life, allowing them to function effectively at work. When they are motivated, oftentimes, they can learn to relate to their wives in more helpful ways, too.

Keep in mind, though, when men have socially demanding jobs, they may be kind of relationally ‘spent’ by the time they get home. They may also behave quite differently in the safety of their home, acting like a child having meltdowns now and then.

Developing a routine and helping men know what to expect when there are social or family events can help ease some of the anxiety they may feel. Finding ways to soothe their nervous systems that help them feel more grounded and at ease can help a lot. Including them in vacation planning or helping them feel some sense of control over their schedules and plans can make a healthy difference. Writing down plans on a white board that they can refer to can help them with the anxiety that may build when there are too many unknown variables. Giving them some sense of control and autonomy can help a lot. Building in some quiet times with less sensory overload can also help make plans go more smoothly.

For some couples, finding a church that is less crowded or one that has a calmer music ministry without such loud volumes can help a lot. I’ve observed a man on the spectrum trying to attend church with his wife, and the painful look on his face could have been for a number of reasons. Social anxiety isn’t uncommon. Sensory overload can just stress them out. Loud music and crowds can translate into a form of agony for a sensitive nervous system. Their brains and emotions just sort of overheat and need a chance to cool down. The point is, it’s worth doing what you can to make the church experience more comfortable. A sensory sensitive church might offer a room out of the main sanctuary for people who find the crowds and noises overwhelming. Disability ministries can help families with kids on the spectrum negotiate the many potential landmines that come along with congregational life. Learning how to better accommodate the needs of people on the spectrum is a beautiful way to show the love of Christ to families.

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One common theme I’ve heard from women who have remained in marriages with a husband on the spectrum is that they need to take really good care of their emotional needs. If they can cultivate their own resilience emotionally, this helps them have the reserves needed to cope well. They really need to find fulfillment in their relationship with God, and also to find their identity in Christ. This provides some stability and a secure attachment (to God and perhaps to others in their faith community) that helps them to feel loved and valued, even when their partner isn’t able to convey this consistently. In a marriage like this, neither partner may consistently receive the support or positive feedback they crave. It’s not easy to develop a thick skin, and to retain a tender heart at the same time. But that’s the paradox women face. And both people hope their partner will bring out the best in them, not the worst.

It’s important that people hear from others that their efforts are seen and acknowledged. It’s no fun to try your best to work with a tough situation and then to hear criticism about your failings. God sees you. He hears you. He validates your efforts and He’s aware of how hard you are trying to make things work. He is always glad to be with you and He understands your weaknesses and treats them tenderly. He can do something about what you’re going through. (These ideas come from Immanuel Journaling, which is part of the Immanuel Approach, which integrates faith and brain science. I have written about these concepts in other articles. But God understands your needs and He validates them.)

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Sometimes I have met women who interpret the behavior of their husbands as abusive. Certainly the net result could be called abusive. Some men on the spectrum behave in ways you might expect from a narcissist. But quite often, a deeper look reveals that what’s going on is not a personality disorder. While women in these marriages need to set some clear boundaries and set expectations for what is not acceptable in their home, it’s important to recognize that the men may not intend to be hurtful at all. They simply lack a theory of mind or the capacity needed to read the emotions of their wife, leaving both of them feeling frustrated and disconnected. The person on the spectrum may just struggle with his or her own emotional regulation to the extent that marriage just adds to the distress.

Not everyone has the resilience to navigate the challenges that might arise in these marriages. One book I read was written by a woman who got a Master’s degree in Autism Studies. She pursued these studies after marrying an attractive man she had dated and fallen in love with. However, she found their communication and interactions confusing and painful soon after they married.

This author commented how many women fall in love with these men, but she said the men essentially play a role as they are dating. They are able to mask their symptoms and don’t really reveal the chinks in their armor. If they only have to play a role when they go on dates, this is very different from the day to day demands and expectations that they may encounter once they are married. That author commented that many of the ways her husband responded to her once they were married felt abusive to her. She felt like he was gaslighting her, and she felt hurt by his insensitive comments. So she studied autism and tried to learn to relate to this mysterious man she had fallen in love with. At the time of writing that book, this couple was doing alright.

This author also commented that if you marry a man on the spectrum and you aren’t able to adapt, neither of you should feel bad about it if you can’t make it work. (For Christian woman who believe their marriage vows are sacred, this line of thinking might present some difficulties.)

Personally, I think that a neurodiverse marriage is often very challenging for both people. I sometimes tell women that when their husband expresses his disappointment in the realities of daily life together, remember that their experience of marriage probably is quite difficult for them as well. It isn’t easy, but trying not to take their honest too personally can help a bit.

Regardless of the redeeming qualities of the two people in a relationship like this, misunderstandings happen fairly often.

What one person says isn’t received in the way it was intended.

The cycle of exasperation continues.

Maybe the wife tells her husband that he just doesn’t understand her needs. I have heard a man respond that she sure doesn’t have any idea of how to meet his needs, either! It’s important for the partner who has the ability to put herself in his shoes to simply acknowledge this truth to him: “Being you would be hard, wouldn’t it?”

Sometimes when a wife has told me they are feeling exhausted, lonely and depressed or anxious after trying to navigate this sort of marriage, I tell them I understand. Validation is crucial when they seldom feel understood or validated at home. Even a very resilient person may find themselves struggling and becoming depleted. I also remind them that just as an infant synchronizes with the mother’s emotions or the emotions of the caregiver, I think to some degree we do the same in marriage. So it can get really dicey if the husband has poor emotional regulation and instead of being able to support his wife’s emotional needs, he inadvertently undermines her emotional regulation by his attitudes, words or behaviors. And if you’re both struggling, it might feel like you’re on a sinking ship without a lifejacket. Mayday!!

Sometimes men on the spectrum think they are saying something their wives will find endearing or humorous. However, this doesn’t always go over well. Sometimes they are just being honest, and the way the words tumble out of their mouths just doesn’t sit well with his wife. I’ve heard a man with ASD tell his wife “she is sure looking chunky.” (As you know this is what every woman wants to hear!)

One man told his wife on their wedding day that if things don’t go well in the first week or two, his friend told him they should just get the marriage annulled. Again, he’s scoring relational points and building trust with his unfiltered commentary (or not)!!

I’ll share an example in closing. One couple met in mid-life and neither had ever been married. The woman noticed some mild traits while dating, but she thought that since he had a good job, and he related pretty well to others at work, he probably had mild Asperger’s. She figured there would be some challenges, but nothing they couldn’t handle. What she didn’t realize is that once they married, he’d let his hair down so to speak, and under stress, those behaviors and Aspie traits would become more pronounced and problematic. So the honeymoon revealed some issues. Sensory things like her wearing chapstick (he doesn’t like “strange textures”) threw him off balance. He asked her not to use conditioner or lotion at all because the scents might bother him. She wondered if he thought she’d like to shrivel up like a prune without lotion the rest of their lives. “What woman would accept these restrictions?” she asked herself. Then, on the way home she mentioned that they ought to make a commitment to never go to bed angry. This is biblical, she said, and he agreed. But she didn’t think about the meltdown that would take place as soon as they got home. The two of them were up for hours because getting back to the home they would now share together triggered a cascade of anxiety and anger for him.

Women like to talk, and some women are verbal processors. So for a man used to lots of solitude and cave time, marriage later in life might mean a very severe shock to the senses. By the time this couple arrived home, he really didn’t want to listen to another word. In fact, she sat down wearily by the table after they reached their home and brought in their luggage. Then, he did something very unexpected as she sat by the table. He unfolded a bath towel and put this towel over her head, like a blanket over a bird cage.

“What are you doing?” She asked, feeling puzzled and a bit offended as she gazed through the terry cloth towel, barely able to make out the shape of this man she now called her husband. He responded without missing a beat, “Well, it works for birds.”

Thus began the strange and wonderful life of this couple. He felt triumphant that at least for now, his wife stopped trying to talk with him.

The man walked away, lost in his own thoughts as his internal anxiety grew in his new environment. He was glad to put a stop to any more conversations for now and congratulated himself on finding a creative solution to his need for silence.

His new bride pulled off the towel he’d covered her head with, stunned that he’d treated her as if she were a parakeet in a cage whom he wanted to silence.

She laughed, kind of nervous laugh, and started unpacking the suitcases from their honeymoon.

This picture of hot chili peppers in China reminds me that just as not everyone has the same love of hot spices, individual tolerance for differences in relational and communication styles or “temperatures” varies, too.

What one person can handle in relationships without a problem can leave another person gasping for relief from their burning tongue.

Grace and compassion go a long ways.