How do we interpret the way our loved ones relate to us?
How can I be more consistently fully present (and demonstrate that I love and accept my husband for who he is) through my attitudes, words and actions?
“…when people have light in themselves, it will shine out from them. Then we get to know each other as we walk together in the darkness, without needing to pass our hands over each other’s faces, or to intrude into each other’s hearts.”
—Albert Schweitzer, German scholar and humanitarian (1875-1965)
Photo by Sue Kuenzi at Wooden Shoe Tulip Farms in Oregon
I wanted to share something I've been praying about. I’m thankful for other Christian women who share their hearts and areas they want to grow in. Many of us have common experiences. It's great to pray for each other and we can strengthen one another as we live out God’s calling in our lives. At our wedding, I remember the pastor asking those present to commit to pray for our marriage and to encourage us to live out this covenant relationship until death do us part. We really do benefit from a community of believers, and prayer and love help us all, whether you happen to be married or single.
God has used a few conversations to prompt me to think and reflect on how we communicate in our home. I hear and acknowledge those of you who feel lonely or frustrated by some of the relational/communication patterns in your marriage. I've definitely been there at times. I'm not minimizing the struggles in any way. But I wanted to share how God has been speaking to my heart lately.
Something I have prayed about is to continue to stay engaged in relating to my husband, even if it isn't always easy. It's easy to get frustrated and then resent someone, and then find ourselves responding to them in ways that make them feel less valued. I have friends who simply give up on having a fulfilling or healthier marriage, and they detach and stop trying. I understand this, but I've challenged myself not to interpret things in this way, or to stop trying. I love my husband and we've been through really hard seasons in our marriage, but we've also shared some joyful times. It's important not to let the cumulative stress leave us jaded and viewing our husbands in ways that are negative or leave them feeling like we don't even like them, let alone accept them for who they are.
I think the enemy desires marriages to suffer, and for conflict or resentment to build. But what we tell ourselves about how our husbands respond really matters. For instance, some women feel hurt when men shut down or isolate rather than working through issues. Sometimes men simply stare off rather than responding for awhile. For some reason I can tell my husband about our plans several times, but he’ll ask me later why I didn’t tell him about that very thing. I’m not sure why some words just don’t get encoded in his mind, so writing things down seems crucial for important things. It's really easy to start believing they don't care, and interpret their responses as something personal or negative. But in reality they are often taking time to process things, and they might be thinking, and they are working with the capacity and wiring they were born with. I try to remember that their experience of life and marriage might be frustrating. When they work hard and try to be helpful, even in their own less conventional ways, do we show appreciation? We all want to be around people who are glad to be with us. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. So I ask myself, how do my attitudes, words and non verbal communication either help my husband feel accepted, or make him feel less accepted? (I recognize this is a two way street, but we can only really control our responses. And I've seen God work in our relationship when I approach things with love and patience, and work on forgiving earlier failures. I also need to ask his forgiveness when I handle things poorly.)
I have asked God to help me work on bringing out the best in my husband by the way I relate to him, and I've told my husband I'm hoping he'll try doing the same. Last evening, after we went to bed, I paused and thought about the thoughtful things he did for me this weekend. I helped him with his extended family situation on Friday even though I didn't have the health or energy to easily do this. In exchange, I asked if he would try to be kind and understanding about things that I couldn't finish because of taking a whole day to help him. He didn't entirely fulfill what I asked, but he took time to take my mom and I shoe shopping and out to dinner yesterday. He did many thoughtful things. So I need to show some gratitude and make him aware that I love him. It's too easy to gravitate towards the criticism or negative things rather than focussing on what we DO appreciate. But gratitude is far better for both of us and helps set the tone for compassion and kindness.
My point is that every bid for connection that we make with them, and they make with us will either build a stronger attachment or weaken the attachment. Our words and attitudes do make a difference in the health of our marriage. If a person feels like their spouse is just tolerating them but doesn't even really like them, this isn't going to set them at ease. They will feel much less secure and bitterness or resentment grows. However, people grow into the best version of themselves when they know they are loved and accepted.
My friend is an Occupational Therapist. She and I talked last week about ways I can take time to create moments of shared joy with my husband. She reminded me of an OT concept they call floor play. The idea is to fully engage with whatever it is the other person is doing, to relate on their level and be all in. I know the some men love their special interests, and they find these things calming and grounding. Maybe you don't share all of their interests, but what often happens is women start doing their own thing (such as spending time of FB or on their phones) while they could be interacting and more fully present. So I am challenging myself to be fully present and to join him in doing something he loves (removing all distractions) each day for even 15 minutes. Our brains all need shared joy to turn on the relational circuits. Then we can more easily relate to God and to our families and even ourselves. Pain turns off relational circuits. (These are principles from the Life Model and also the Immanuel Approach, which integrate brain science with our faith, maturity and growth in Christ.)
“A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news brings health to the bones.” Proverbs 15:30
Photo by Sue Kuenzi at Oregon Coast, Winter 2024
I just thought I'd share how God has been helping me be more mindful of how I view our relationship and what I say and do. I know that my identity is in Christ, and I find a lot of fulfillment in my work with my clients (I do some coaching part-time still and I'm retired from counseling). But just as I want my husband to put our relationship as a priority sometimes, I need to ensure that I guard some time for growing together, too.
Here’s a quote from Jennie Jerome Churchill (1845-1921), an English writer who was the mother of Winston Churchill:
Photo by Sue Kuenzi at Oregon Gardens
“Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.”
Am I placing my loved ones in their best light?
I’ll close with this sweet sentiment, from William Makepeace Thackeray, English writer, (1811-1863):
“I want a sofa, as I want a friend, upon which I can repose familiarly.”
Love what you have to say here, Susan--so timely. And I love your photos. And the quote from Churchill's mother. That one was quite unexpected, but you are full of surprises these days.
Wonderful post, Susan. This is at once both beautifully thoughtful and challenging. I love how you challenge us to be more intentional in our relationships, which I think can be applied to all, not just marriage. It's increasingly difficult to do in our age of distractions and me-time and everyone focusing on doing their own thing. Something I used to believe was that a good marriage was about respecting each other's interests and not having to partake in them. That changed when I got married and my husband made an effort to understand what I loved. He read the books I loved and watched the movies I loved, among other things. I realised how precious it was to have someone like that, who sought to share those parts of me, and it encouraged me to do the same.