Discussion Thread #3: The Horse Without a Rider (this is part of a collaborative summer project called Writing as Breathing: How Writing Changes Me)

Aug 1, 2024

Writing can be very healing. Writers need to write, just like our lungs need oxygen so we can stay alive.

—Sue Kuenzi

Just to illustrate this point a bit further, here’s a link to a video about the role our lungs play in keeping us alive. From the first part of the transcript to this video from the website lung.org, we are reminded of these key facts:

“You can live for two weeks without food, two days without water, but only two minutes without air.

Every single organ in your body is made up of cells, and they all require oxygen for you to live.

Your lungs are part of the respiratory system, a group of organs and tissues that work together to help you breathe.

The respiratory system’s main job is to transport oxygen and remove extra carbon dioxide.”

(lungs.org)

If we carry this analogy of writing being like breathing a step further, what essential roles does writing play for you? Do you exchange your spent emotions for fresh, renewed thoughts (like the lungs exchange carbon dioxide for oxygen, which nourishes the cells throughout your body) as you write? How long can you live without writing? And in asking this question, I would qualify that by asking, how long can you live well without writing?

I’m very intrigued by what writing has meant to you and I’d love to hear more about your writing journey, and how that might parallel your inner growth and healing.

James A. Michener Quote: “I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.”

I know that in my own life, when I give myself time to write, I feel much more content and grounded. As a verbal processor at heart, writing gives me the chance to work out my thoughts and emotions that might be swirling around inside, and as I put them on paper, I feel calmer. I gain clarity. I feel more at peace. God has often used writing as a healing force in my life. When I don’t allow myself time to write, I fail to thrive. I become depleted, and eventually feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing to offer others. So I have learned that continuing to write remains an essential part of self-care for me.

I need writing, just like I need to breathe in order to go on living.

Writing also allows me to offer something of value to others. I believe my mission in life centers on encouraging others. I long to heal with words, as I help others connect with themselves and with their Creator. Creativity allows us to deepen our connection with the Source of all Creativity. I think of these profoundly powerful words of Genesis 1 (from the NASB):

The Creation

1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2And the earth was a formless and desolate emptiness, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. 3Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. 5God called the light “day,” and the darkness He called “night.” And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

On our recent cruise to Alaska, I had a conversation one morning with a gentleman from North Carolina named Scott who I happened to meet. Just as the sun was coming up that morning, I was up on the deck as we were nearing Ketchikan. Scott told me that he and his wife, Katrina, had been studying Genesis and the account of Creation while on this ship headed through the Inland Passages. As we witnessed the beauty of creation from that open deck, others from the east coast of the US were also awake and watching the sunrise as we approached the coastal city of Ketchikan. My husband had been asleep when I went for a walk to this upper deck. This conversation with Scott showed me anew how sometimes God orchestrates an encounter with someone who reminds us of His tender love and Presence with us. Scott told me about his walk with God back home in North Carolina, and how he had grown closer to the Lord in recent years. He commented that he and his wife have a desire to “finish well.” We talked about how vital our relationship with God continues to be as we get older, and how we desire to honor God in our marriages, families and homes.

While our conversation lasted a relatively short time, God spoke to my heart through that unexpected interaction with this brother in Christ. I felt as though Jesus had walked up to me on the deck of the ship, looked me in the eye, and reminded me that He sees me. He knows the things we’ve been through in recent years. And I came away with a profound sense that God had been very present in that conversation. This set the tone spiritually and emotionally for the rest of our trip. As the sun rose over these ridges, and light splashed across the fir trees and softly lit up the waters with the light of a new day, I returned to my cabin to talk with my husband and prepare for the day ahead. We joined my mom and the others for breakfast at the Blu Restaurant on ship, and then we set out across the gangplanks to explore Ketchikan together. The rest of our group were going kayaking, but they had a little time first, so we saw them walking along Creek Street, a historical area.

A Symbolic Dream

I had a recurring dream for a number of years. I would wake up in the night from this dream, and deep within me, the meaning of this dream was crystal clear. The dream itself went like this: I owned a beautiful, healthy bay horse (this was a horse I really did own during my last couple years of high school). I loved to ride horses, but for some reason in my dream, this mare simply stood out in the pasture waiting for me to ride her. I can still see the silhouette of this horse standing near the edge of the pasture, just behind the wire fence. Waiting. The sun would set day after day, and the horse stood right there, ready for me to grab the brush and hoof pick, and groom her. To saddle her up and ride her in the golden evening light before darkness covered the earth once again…just waiting for me to respond, but I never did ride her in these dreams.

Again and again, I’d wake from this dream feeling this profound sadness. The horse needed a rider. I needed to ride. But all of this potential just stood there, longing to be ridden, day after day. And I’d wake up with a start, aware that I continued to neglect the gift within me. I knew the truth without even reflecting more deeply in those disorienting moments of waking. The horse represented my writing.

You know what? I only had this dream in seasons of my life when I didn’t take time to write.

On the Celebrity Edge, up on the deck near the Rooftop Garden where I sometimes did Tai Chi, this statue of a horse captivated my imagination. I could see this horse from the deck where I spoke with Scott as we neared Ketchikan, with the pilot ship coming alongside our massive cruise ship to guide us into the place we’d soon dock.

My favorite place to go to watch the sunrise over the Inland Passages of Alaska was this deck, where I’d enjoy this horse. I did a bit of journaling while we were on the cruise, but I chose not to work on my usual writing projects. I wanted to give my full attention to the gorgeous scenery and enjoy my family who were on this trip with me. So I didn’t take my laptop, though I often walked up to this horse on the deck. Although my subconscious used to symbolize my potential as a writer through the image of that horse without a rider, I knew this brief break from productivity on vacation would only serve to inspire me and renew my mind and spirit.

I knew that when I returned home, I’d be raring to write again, and that proved true. I seem to have an insatiable need to write some days since we returned home.

Thankfully, over the course of this past year or so, I have spent many happy hours working on my book or writing my articles for my Substack (which I started this spring, just a few months ago). I can confidently say that writing holds the power to bring me great joy and fulfillment. And instead of a disappointed horse standing at the edge of the pasture longing to be ridden (and ready to show me her full, unused potential), I don’t have this dream these days. Maybe it’s because I’m actively pursuing my writing dreams and growing in my potential as a writer. I have found devoting more time to writing each day to be enormously satisfying.

What about you? What’s your relationship to writing? Do you become lonesome for time to write when life gets too busy? Do you find that writing helps you work through emotions? How do you feel when you allow yourself some uninterrupted hours to pour out your thoughts on paper? Do you feel better? Have you ever had a dream that symbolized your need or longing to write?

For me, writing remains as essential as breathing. And when I write, I feel the same deep contentment and inner thrill I felt when I used to ride my horse across acres of fields on our family farm. One special day, my cousin and I galloped our two horses side by side, the breeze and sunshine lighting up our faces, my hair flying behind me as my horse cantered happily along…I remember those incredible moments of pure bliss and joy. I felt the same thrill then as I feel when I spend a few hours alone writing in my cabin and see a chapter or book project coming to fruition.

As words trot across the page in happy rhythm with my thoughts, I am young again and riding fast towards my dreams.

25 Comments

Ruhie Vaidya

Aug 2

What a beautiful piece Susan :) Thought-provoking and inspiring. I had chills reading about your recurring dream. It was clearly your subconscious trying to spur you to write! I only started writing two years ago but it has quickly become core to my emotional wellbeing. On days I can’t write, I feel more on edge, I’m impatient with my husband and kids, and it feels like something is missing. But when I do write, I’m calmer, more in tune with myself and connected to others.

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