asked a few very meaningful and vital questions here:
She asked, “What does perfect shalom mean to you? What’s getting in the way of experiencing shalom in your daily life?”
Here’s a screenshot of her Note, and I will include my response.
My response:
Such a wonderful question, Donya. His perfect shalom means abiding fully in Christ so that my life is exchanged for His. His peace permeates my life, my mind and heart when I rest fully in His love and in my identity in Christ. In a sense, as I die to myself and allow Him to live in me, I experience the power of His resurrection. I’m wrapped in His peace as striving ceases.
What keeps me from experiencing His peace fully? Pride, trying to defend myself to someone who is critical of me (rather than simply letting Him be the final word on who I am), and distractions sometimes interfere with experiencing His shalom.
Shalom is the right amount of everything at the right time. But allowing Him to fully live in me as I abide in Him and allowing Him to renew my mind and transform my heart from a heart of stone to a tender responsive heart is key.
In a very real way, shalom comes as I deepen my relationship with Jesus Christ, who has called us His friends as as he says in John 15. This chapter talks about abiding in the Vine, and drawing on His power and love as we find ourselves securely attached to Him as our source.
Recently I have been finishing a coaching certification course on Relational Spirituality by Dr Todd Hall. In this course, we have learned about spiritual formation and forming secure attachment with God and others. Sometimes we have attachment wounds we need to experience healing for, and this happens as we allow Him to show us how deeply and steadfastly He loves us.
Let’s take a look at what friendship involves:
“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”
—Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing
We all find strength and encouragement in life giving friendships, but not every relationship strengthens and encourages us. Now and then interactions have a cutting edge, and just as Psalm 55 talks about, a close friend may hurt us. But I loved this perspective of Graham Cooke.
This makes me think of Colossians 3:1-4 (NLT) where we are admonished and strengthened by these words:
“Since you have been raised to new life in Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealing to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.”
As one wise person said, “Gaze at your Savior and glance at your problems.”
Hebrews 12:1-3 reminds us to set aside the sin that so easily entangles us and instead fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.
shared this beautiful encouragement in a Note recently:
“Now this I know: the Lord gives victory to his anointed. He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand.” Psalm 20:6
Photo by Sue Kuenzi, Oregon Coast
Katharine Rose continued: “I came to this verse in my devotional this morning and it ministered to my soul.
This is a promise from the Lord — that victory belongs to Him.
Our job is to partner with Him and remain surrendered and obedient to His will, His job is to do the rest.
I pray this blesses you, too.”
My initial question in starting my Substack, Transformed by His Love, was essentially this: if you truly understood how deeply and thoroughly God loves you, how would this change you?
How does His love transform you? Your relationships? Your identity?
I took this picture in the early morning light in Lincoln City. Just as I am made new, renewed in His love day by day, the first light of day on the surf always feels magical.
“As the sunlight hits the whitecaps this morning, and the roar of the ocean speaks peace to my heart, I give thanks. Father, thank You for this time to enjoy the majesty of Your creation, the light and wonder of Your love. Marveling at blue skies after stormy days.” Dec 2023
Last winter my husband was asked to work for a day at the hospital located in Lincoln City, Oregon. So we decided to take a couple of vacation days before and after his work day there. I loved our little mini vacation.
These pictures are ones I took from our balcony or on our outings.
photos by Sue Kuenzi, Oregon coast, December 2023
In the last picture, you can see the silhouette of a mother and her two children. She’s standing close to one of the kids, holding his hand, but the other little fella stands alone, a ways off.
In recent months I have been taking a Relational Spirituality Coaching Certification Course from Dr Todd Hall. We have learned so much about our attachment to God and what kind of attachment we had with our parents. These insights into how people’s attachment filter influences how they experience relationships with others have been valuable to me.
When people have a secure base of attachment, this gives them more freedom.
Just as this mother playing on the beach related to her two little boys, we think in terms of comfort and challenge in our relationships. We also think about how sometimes people feel very alone or fear abandonment.
I have been learning to seek to be a loving presence as I relate to others, especially if they tend to have insecure attachments. Having a different experience can be instrumental in helping people grow and heal.
Inside our room at the beach, warm and cozy, I felt renewed by time with the Lord while my husband worked. I wrote these words in my journal:
“Enjoying the ocean outside the window, the warm fireplace inside, and writing a few Christmas cards.
Whenever we spend time at the beach, I am reminded of God’s majesty, and His power and might. My challenges feel so tiny in contrast to the roar of the ocean.”
On that same beach trip, a storm brought with it dramatic, surly skies over the surf.
Sometimes as we interact with people in our lives, the mood shifts, too.
Do you ever struggle with relationships or have times when your relational circuits go off line?
(Side note: Pain of any kind turns off our relational circuits, making it more difficult to relate to God and to ourselves and others. Interactive gratitude and worship turn on those relational circuits.)
Sometimes my husband prints out a form called “The Hurt Feelings Report.” It’s a template and you can personalize it if it makes you feel a little better.
His dry humor sometimes lightens the mood, and sometimes laughter helps us both to straighten out emotional dents.
The ocean contains a majestic beauty even in stormy weather. Sometimes we enjoy storm watching as gale force winds blow and waves crash against the shore.
But I think it’s the rhythm of the sea which I find soothing. The tide comes in, then recedes.
Deep calls to deep at the roar of waters…
I love this old quote from a writer in the 1800s.
“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
—Dinah Marie Mulock Criak (1826-1887), A Life for a Life
And then there’s our ordinary lives:
dec 8, 2017:
Tiring week. Root canal, meetings, & extra things...thankful for Jesus our Immanuel, God with us.
Day by day He renews, transforms, sustains & strengthens us.
Forget the cultural busyness this time of year, Jesus reminds us.
Come away and find life and hope in Him...learning the "unforced rhythms of grace" and recover real Life.
Dec 7 2015. God, thank you that in in my weakness your strength is perfected. I was feeling really exhausted, but I had a client come for counseling this afternoon. God, you showed up and you ministered to her powerfully. Thank You, Abba Father.
I am so grateful for meaningful work over the years. When I assist a client, or spend time writing or working with someone, I feel energized and the fatigue melts away.
May our lives be spent in meaningful ways. Having a sense of purpose remains one of the most vital ways to combat seasonal affective disorder, or to live well with a chronic illness.
I will always remember my rehabilitation specialist telling me, “Sue, you may not be able to continue working a regular job because of multiple sclerosis. But no matter what, you’ve got to challenge your mind. God gave you a bright mind. If you don’t challenge your mind, you won’t do well.”
So true.
How about you?
How do you ensure you continue living in purposeful, intentional ways?
Are you challenging your mind?
Are you cultivating healthy relationships, and prayerfully working through the challenges that inevitably arise? Do you feel like you have the tools you need to help repair relationships when hurts arise?
“The secret of joy is Christ in me — not me in a different set of circumstances.” (Elisabeth Elliot).
Recently someone I love responded to my simple expression of my fatigue with a disapproving sigh and a zinger, “It’s always MS…”
My innocent comment that I felt really tired that afternoon triggered a painful response from this person. I felt stunned by the critical comment which seemed to come out of nowhere.
Apparently they find the reality of my health very frustrating to them, and those three words stung. “It’s always MS…” sounded like they felt I use my health as an excuse. They seemed to resent me and find me prone to avoid responsibility because of my health, and those three words reminded me of the denial and minimizing I experienced from this person so many times over the years.
Instantly, I felt deeply hurt. Sometimes knowing someone we care about views us with a critical spirit (and even resents something about us) can hurt deeply.
I don’t pretend or hide the realities that come along with living with this progressive neurological condition. I do the best I can and rather than focusing on my limitations, I personally try to acknowledge realities honestly, grieve the actual losses, but then celebrate the ways God helps me to continue living as fully as I can.
But apparently if I say I feel exhausted, this bothers the person who made this comment. Her words were tinged with some degree of disgust towards me.
I don’t think I complain often or focus on my fatigue, but this is a daily reality of living with MS. So I don’t try to hide this fact either.
Instantly I felt their disapproval. Again.
I’m human. (I thought of my husband’s Hurt Feelings Report.)
I needed a few minutes to process this wound. We all deal with things like this the best we can.
While I know this person genuinely loves me, this isn’t a new theme or response from them. I understand they don’t fully respect me or accept me “as is,” and that likely won’t change.
Ever get the sense from someone’s comments that you bug them just by being yourself? That somehow you don’t measure up to their standards?
Not everyone will appreciate us, or say affirming things consistently. In this case, this person blurted out words that they were thinking, but probably don’t usually say out loud. I don’t think they were trying to be hurtful. But knowing this is how they really feel about me and how I navigate this challenging condition really did hurt.
But as I reflected on this interaction a little later, God gave me a bit of compassion for them.
Remember that people can’t give what they don’t have.
If someone you care about expresses disapproval of you, ask yourself if they perhaps struggle to accept themselves, too.
If someone is a perfectionist, they might never be fully feel at ease with themselves. By extension, they seldom feel at ease with others, either.
A perfectionist who expects you to live up to their own unrealistic standards is kind of like someone handing you a slimy slug and saying “Here, put this in your pocket.”
Remember our worth doesn’t depend on our performance or the opinions of others.
Our value is intrinsic. God loves us more than we could grasp or imagine.
So let go of those invalidating or critical comments, empty your pockets of slugs, and enjoy knowing you are fully loved, fully forgiven, and fully accepted by your Creator. Rest in His unconditional love and grace.
(Just a few thoughts from my early morning pondering 🤔.)
I don’t love this person any less because of their words or feelings towards me. My love isn’t contingent on their approval and while I did speak up when this happened, I think the source of their discomfort with me comes from within them.
It’s okay. We talked about this conversation the next day, but nothing changed much. People sometimes speak the words they often think to themselves, and then we know how they actually feel.
What do we do with this kind of conversation?
I pray. I know Jesus understands and His empathy and compassion heals these painful feelings.
I sometimes share my feelings with a very close, trusted friend. But I bring the hurt to the foot of the cross.
“Lord, people misunderstood You, too. You understand how this feels, don’t You?”
As Jesus reminds me of His steadfast love, I marvel at the truth of who He says I am.
“I have called you by name and you are Mine…”
He is consistently glad to be with me and He treats my weaknesses tenderly.
(This particular line from the Immanuel Journaling process is so healing and powerful to me. First He validates my concerns, but in this line, my heart finds such comfort and shalom.)
My heart finds its resting place in the depths of His love and full acceptance.
I marvel at His genuine joy at my presence.
I know who I am in Christ, and I can release this “blooper” and simply forgive.
I remember my friend telling me years ago about working with teenagers in a ministry she founded. She said something to this effect:
“When a scraggly looking teen walks in the room with torn jeans and piercings, and they see my eyes light up with joy at their presence, they know they are genuinely loved and welcome here. I am glad to be with them, and this melts their tough exterior and they drop their defenses.”
We all need to know others are glad to be with us.
But again, people can’t give what they don’t have. If someone has difficulty feeling loved and accepted, and feels uncomfortable even with themselves, it’s difficult for them to convey acceptance and ease to others.
I have had some meaningful conversations recently on the topic of people pleasing, and I would like to explore this a little here.
While I understand this, I personally try to do the inner work necessary to heal and grow so I don’t feel the need to please others or gain their approval. Then I can continue in relationships with others in healthier ways.
After reading your article on neurodivergence this morning the Lord took me to 1 Corinthians 13. I wept as I realized I don’t have the capacity to love like this.
While in that moment it would be easy allow that to be the end of my story- God’s gentle whisper reminded me “But I can.”
Thank You, Lord, for reminding us that Your love heals as You love us first.”
—————//—————
I responded: “Yes!! Your comment touches my heart, Eve. I think you hit it precisely: only as we allow Him to love others through us can we be at peace.
As we rest in our identity in Him and experience secure attachment with God, this gives us the freedom and security from which we can seek to be a Loving Presence even when it doesn’t come naturally to respond with love and grace. God provides the power. I love your heart, my friend!!”
“Pleasing people is never the answer- to anything. You have to have your own good foundation, a solid rock (for those of us in the know, lol). You have to know right from wrong, know your limits, and have the backbone to stand for what’s right.
The truth hurts sometimes. The phrase “tough love” has been around for a long time. Pleasing people can easily become enabling them and not helping them.
There is such a thing as tact, and things spoken privately so as not to embarrass someone. Not everything has to be said. But not everything has to be agreed to either; the gentleman’s agreement of old, to agree to disagree.
Some things you can accommodate people on. Growing up my neighbor always had coconut flakes on her kids’ birthday cakes. I can’t stand coconut. To insist she change her cake to accommodate me would be absurd. I merely scraped the coconut off. My mother once scolded me for being rude, but the neighbor said it was ok. That is accommodating someone.
Making sure you have someone’s favorite soda when they are visiting, for example, is courtesy. Courtesy and manners are not people pleasing.
While cake and soda are simple things, the same concepts apply to the wider world. You don’t accept wrong or rude, you don’t accept harm and damage. You don’t have to agree with a point of view that goes against your own beliefs.
You do have to sleep at night, content in your own mental stability.”
I thought of a few articles I have written on these themes.
had this to say about my restack of Andrea Hoffman’s Note on people pleasing:
“Seeking Heavenly Father’s approval and the indwelling life of Jesus Christ as His name bearer, ambassador, emissary & representative always takes precedence above self, to not bring upon Him any sort of reproach; allowing the Spirit to refuse the flesh to be tempted & not conform to the desires of unrenewed, unregenerated hearts and minds yet still treating such with God's grace, love according to His wisdom and knowledge, yet never compromising Heavenly Father’s standards of absolute truths just to receive acceptance, validation or praise from others.
As beautifully stated in Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”’
One of my friends here reframed things, looking at this topic from a less conventional angle. He drew a distinction between what he called healthy and unhealthy forms of people pleasing.
responded to this conversational springboard (Andrea’s Note) with the following comment:
I published about this yesterday. It’s a paid post but my thoughts were this:
The feelings of people pleasing are actually good and from the Lord. They won’t go away and don’t need to go away.
We tend to lean into unhealthy forms of people pleasing that are more about our worth/value.
God put the desire in us to lean into healthy forms of people pleasing which are loving one another as Christ loved the church, serving one another, using our gifts to build up the body of Christ, etc.
We’re supposed to give people—everyone we’re around—what they need (more of Jesus and our own personal holiness).
I think that is the core desire we feel when we’re trying to “please-people.” It’s our flesh that skews it and causes damage for us.
I find the Litany of Humility helpful here as well as the Ignatian concept of “indifference” (i.e. a detachment from preferences and outcomes).
Here’s the Litany in the Ordinary Radical’s words:
Deliver me, O Jesus,
from desire to be esteemed,
from the desire to be loved,
from the desire to be honored,
from the desire to be praised,
from the desire to be preferred to others,
from the desire to be consulted,
from the desire to be approved,
and from the desire to be popular.
Deliver me, O Jesus,
from the fear of being humiliated,
from the fear of being despised,
from the fear of being rebuked,
from the fear of being slandered,
from the fear of being forgotten,
from the fear of being wronged,
from the fear of being treated unfairly,
and from the fear of being suspected.
And, dear Jesus,
grant me the grace to desire that others might be more loved than I,
that others might be more esteemed than I,
that in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I decrease,
that others might be chosen and I be set aside,
that others may be preferred to me in everything,
that others may become holier than I, provided that I, too, become as holy as I can.
Isn’t it a blessing how we can have meaningful discussions here on Substack? I have some truly wonderful friends here. I thank God for you, and for all of the readers who subscribe to this community or follow my work.
often writes about remaining open hearted, even when choosing to do so isn’t easy. If you haven’t read his work, I highly recommend taking time to do so. You’ll be blessed.
Here’s a link to article I wrote earlier about how God sometimes shows His love to us in beautiful ways:
I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life who love and accept me for who I am.
I want to be this kind of friend to others. I am inspired by these words from God’s Word:
“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (NASB)
So thankful that love covers our sins. God loves others through us, and we can respond with more grace as He empowers us.
“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 (NASB)
Sometimes if I feel hurt by someone close to me, I read Psalm 55, which talks about wounds from a familiar friend.
Jesus was often misunderstood and He experienced hurtful words, too. His maturity and example of remaining connected to His Father no matter what holds great value. His secure attachment with the Father provided tremendous strength and comfort.
When I rest securely in His love and deep affection for me, I can offer unconditional love and forgiveness to others.
He is mindful we are but dust. Psalm 103
Bring your frailties and imperfections before the throne of grace. You’ll find His sweet embrace, yes, and His full acceptance waiting for you.
So grateful I don’t need to hide anything from Him. He knows me intimately and guess what?
He still loves me!
Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but rejoice over you with singing.”
Did you catch that? He doesn’t rebuke you any longer in his love, and rather than merely tolerating you, He takes great delight in you, and rejoices over you with singing!!
“I have called you by name and you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1
Here are a few excerpts from my recent article Light and Beauty:
Psalm 34:4-7 continues: I sought the LORD and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant with joy; their faces shall never be ashamed. The poor man called out, and the LORD heard him; He saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and he delivers them.”
A radiant face is filled with light. People who spend time in His presence reflect His light and love.
Deeper healing takes place when God brings light and truth to those places where distortions have left people vulnerable to embracing lies.
God heals wounds. Once God heals something, the triggers no longer exist. Rest and peace can reign instead and faces of those set free by His healing look different—they have a quiet radiance.
Remember Moses after being in God’s Presence up on Mt Sinai?
Exodus 34:27 tells us about their interaction: “The LORD also said to Moses, ‘Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and Israel.”
When God makes a covenant it is absolutely trustworthy. You can count on Him to fulfill His Word.
When Moses came down from the mountain, his face was shining so radiantly from time with his Creator.
When I spend more time with the Lord, I begin to reflect His beauty. He heals the places within me that hurt. He validates the pain, and reminds me of a powerful but simple truth:
He is always glad to be with me, and He treats my weaknesses tenderly.
The article on Immanuel Journaling I wrote earlier will give you a journaling process that can help you to pray through various things, build your joy capacity, and heal and grow. Spending time with someone you love in this way helps you to experience a more secure attachment. You start to trust that God’s love is completely sturdy and secure. You can absolutely count on His ongoing love and Presence.
“…and I will give you a new heart and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender responsive heart.”Ezekiel 36:26
Father help me find my identity and worth in you so fully I can extend love and grace to others more readily, instead of being oriented towards perfectionistic standards. Help me bring those unrealistic expectations to the foot of the cross. I lay down the expectations of others. I ask for your help to forgive words that hurt me. By Your empowerment, I choose to love those who unintentionally hurt me. Give me your compassionate heart towards them. Help me speak words that build up instead of tearing down.
Thank You that Your ways are higher. I can forgive because you first forgave me. I can love because you first loved me. I can set others free to heal and grow, too, by accepting and loving them unconditionally. You make this possible. I don’t have this ability apart from You.
I’m so thankful I can bring my whole self to you, unashamed, and offer up my emotions and my hurts in exchange for a deep abiding peace, knowing that you love me more than I could grasp.
I loved this reflection, Susan. I especially enjoyed what you shared about what keeps you from experiencing His peace fully because I can so relate. This in particular: "Pride, trying to defend myself to someone who is critical of me (rather than simply letting Him be the final word on who I am)." I needed this reminder today, so thank you!
And thank you for including me. It's such a blessing to interact with you.
I loved this reflection, Susan. I especially enjoyed what you shared about what keeps you from experiencing His peace fully because I can so relate. This in particular: "Pride, trying to defend myself to someone who is critical of me (rather than simply letting Him be the final word on who I am)." I needed this reminder today, so thank you!
And thank you for including me. It's such a blessing to interact with you.
Love the crowd-sourced wisdom going on here. Also, beautiful pictures!
Thanks for including me. I agree that so many interactions here a blessing.